3 Keys To Developing Empathy: How To Be The Best Listener Ever

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Developing Empathy 1

Empathy is an amazing virtue to have, but unfortunately not everyone has it. However, the best way to instill empathy in yourself, and be a good listener for someone, you need to know about the three keys to developing empathy.




1. The Emotional Thermostat: Why Every Experience is Relative to the Experiencer

Everyone has an emotional thermostat that is set based on oneโ€™s age, genetics, socio-cultural environment, and personal experience. This is a fundamental principle to understand in order to cultivate true empathy. Have you ever noticed that a certain situation may stress someone to emotional exhaustion, while someone else under the same duress wouldnโ€™t bat an eye?

We all have the ability to withstand stress, but the boiling point is different for everyone. A 12-year old may feel intense grief when their crush does not reciprocate their sentiments, and the intensity of that grief may be comparable to an adult experiencing a permanent loss.



The implication is this: it is not the objective situation that determines the effect on the individual: it is the relative perception of the situation that matters. 

Our emotional lives are completely unique to us; with no emotional response being more or less correct to. the situation at hand. It is absolutely relative.

Related: 10 Signs You Have Above Average Empathy




2. Listen to the facts, respond to the emotions

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you just stop smoking?โ€
โ€œWhy donโ€™t you just do X?โ€
โ€œCanโ€™t you just call them?โ€

We all want to help others solve their problems, especially when we are listening ardently to their woes. The solution seems so simple! So glaringly obvious!

Alas, we hardly know what is best for ourselves, let alone someone else. Even if we have that omniscient superpower, giving advice to someone who is venting is not what they need at that moment. Counterintuitively, they do not need to hear a solution. They just need to be heard.

And in order to make that person feel heard, and in order to actually hear themโ€”we have to listen to how they are perceiving the situation, and how it is making them feel. Forget the objective facts. Forget the details of what they are relaying to you. Listen and respond to their emotions. Feel how it would feel to be in that situation, and mirror it to them in your words. That is what it means to empathize.

For example, someone may say โ€œIโ€™ve tried to quit smoking 7 times, and this program is not working for me. I tried for 3 months and almost successfully quit, but I had a beer the other day and couldnโ€™t stop myself from having a cigarette.โ€ Instead of immediately saying, โ€œWell have you tried the 12-step program?โ€ or offering some other well-meaning suggestion, use an empathetic statement.

Imagine how they are feeling: defeated, helpless, frustrated, angry at themselves. Now relay that to them. โ€œYou must be feeling so defeated. I canโ€™t imagine how frustrating that would be. I can understand that youโ€™re probably angry with yourself even though you worked so hard.โ€œ




Validating someoneโ€™s emotions, even negative ones, does considerably more good than offering logic. Because logic stems from the mind, whereas emotions stem from the heart. And empathy is listening and responding with the heart.

empathy

3. Build confidence

Now, once you have mirrored their emotions, and you have validated them and they feel heard, you can steer the conversation in a positive direction. You obviously donโ€™t want to leave it at โ€œyou must feel so helplessโ€. 

So, you can shine light where they canโ€™t see it right now. Someone in despair or distress is likely to be bringing up reinforcing thoughts as to why their life sucks, and it can easily culminate into a bleak and inaccurate view of themselves. Here, itโ€™s best to think of their qualities rather than their accomplishments. For example, instead of saying โ€œyou were almost able to quit smokingโ€œ, you can say โ€œit takes so much courage to keep trying. You are so brave.โ€

You donโ€™t have to search long to find an admirable quality. The fact that they have the courage to be vulnerable and discuss their difficulties in the first placeโ€”that is true strength.

Check out Saba Mayโ€™s website, Metta Human for more such informative articles.


Written By Saba May  
Originally Appeared In Metta Human
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